Alternative Uses for a Brick
by Len Kennedy, Esq.
- A useful tool of neo-Darwinian natural selection, when used to bash in the head of an overly aggressive used-car salesman
- A painfully effective form of aversion therapy, if—every time you break down and have a cigarette, for example—you use it to smash one of your testicles (trust me . . . this works)
- An incredibly powerful disciplinary tool, if used to crush the skull of some punk-ass teenager when he’s “acting up”
- A rather uncomfortable (and not particularly absorbent) tampon
- A Polish bottle opener
- A surefire way to get an annoying neighbor to stop snoring—if you smack him upside the goddamn head with it
- An entertaining way to deliver important messages—by simply taping the note you wish to deliver onto the brick and lobbing it through some prick’s window . . . messages like “Hey, assface, I think you’ve got a broken window.”
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