Alternative Uses for a Brick

by Len Kennedy, Esq.

A useful tool of neo-Darwinian natural selection, when used to bash in the head of an overly aggressive used-car salesman
A painfully effective form of aversion therapy, if—every time you break down and have a cigarette, for example—you use it to smash one of your testicles (trust me . . . this works)
An incredibly powerful disciplinary tool, if used to crush the skull of some punk-ass teenager when he’s “acting up”
A rather uncomfortable (and not particularly absorbent) tampon
A Polish bottle opener
A surefire way to get an annoying neighbor to stop snoring—if you smack him upside the goddamn head with it
An entertaining way to deliver important messages—by simply taping the note you wish to deliver onto the brick and lobbing it through some prick’s window . . . messages like “Hey, assface, I think you’ve got a broken window.”