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— by Len Kennedy, Esq.

A Freak Like Me

Last night, I had the strangest dream.  I was absolutely in love with a woman named Kelly, but, much to my chagrin, she was a lesbian.  But I was so crazy about her, I flew up to New York City and had a sex-change operation.  I arrived at Dr. Johnson-Whacker’s office with a Polish sausage and left with a Hot Pocket.

     After the surgery, I had dinner with Kelly.  She was deeply moved by the fact that I’d gone to such an extreme, but she already had a girlfriend, who was currently vacationing in New York — and, besides, she’d rather be allergic to everything and shit herself every time she sneezed than go out with a freak like me.

     Realizing I could never get her to fall for me the way I fell for her, I called the doctor in New York and asked for my penis back.

     He said, “I’m sorry, but we’ve already sold it.”

     “Sold it?”

     As it turned out, the woman who had purchased my penis — and was now wearing it — was none other than Kelly’s girlfriend.  She wanted to surprise Kelly.  Well, she did . . . but then Kelly no longer wanted to have anything to do with her.  “If I wanted a dick,” she said, pointing at me, “I would’ve dated this freak.”

     But when Kelly’s girlfriend saw me, she instantly fell in lust.  And so did I.

     Kelly was livid.  In a fit of rage, she pulled a semi-automatic handgun out of her purse, shot her ex-girlfriend five times, shot me four times, and used the last round on herself.

I woke up.  It was 3:00 a.m.  My throbbing erection had torn through my sweat-saturated sheets and shot a great big glob of goo onto my ceiling fan.

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Home | LenKen Photo Essay | Part I: Quips & Squibs | Part II: Intermezzo: Bad Poetry for Bad People | Part III: Weird Stories for Weird People | Addendum: The Slapdash Mishmash: A Legacy | Appendage: Short Essays on Long Topics | Preamble: A Brief History of Me | Preface: Freedom of Speech versus Freedom from Speech | Prelude: Maturity versus Immaturity | Prologue: Strength versus Weakness | Prolusion: The Period: Dickens Redux | Quips & Squibs | Universal Rules of Etiquette | A Writer and His Hookers | The Sadistic News Network | Books That Cause a Tingling Sensation in My Left Testicle | Alternative Uses for a Brick | A Calm and Rational Analyis of Winter | Odium | Drivel, Blather, Prattle, and Twaddle | Bad Pick-Up Lines | Bilge, Dreck, Tripe, and Schlock for Schlemiels, Schlimazels, Schmucks, and Schmegegges | Arizona | Chickens | If You Make a Girl Snicker, She May Let You Lick Her | A Lesbian’s Lament | THC | Ode to the Paperboy | Sesquipedalian Love Song | Interview with a Petulant Old Shrew | Interview with a Persnickety, Pugnacious Pedant | A Freak Like Me | I Have Weird Dreams | A Long, Hard Look at Gun Control | Readings in the Cassandra Times | The Infamous Stickflipper | Keeping a Kennedy Tradition Alive | The Stalker | Lucy in the Sky with Dysentery | Beyond God & Devil | Pile of Nothing | How to Quit Smoking and Die Anyway | Epilogue: Quirky Colloquy: A Play in One Act | An Introduction to the Slapdash Mishmash | Poppycock? | Der Klusturfuk der Katzenjammer | The Cowardice of One’s Convictions: Cognitive Dissonance Theory in a Nutshell | Controlling Your Emotions before They Control You: Rational-Emotive Behavior Therapy in a Nutshell | Why We Should Be Dying to Live Rather than Living to Die | About the Author | Sign My Guestbook