Humor for Adults
Who Can Handle
Adult Humor

— by Len Kennedy, Esq.

The Stalker

I’m being stalked by a trichotillomaniac (a compulsive hair-puller) who keeps leaving tufts of her hair on my windowsills, in my mailbox, and all around my world-renowned monkey sphincter collection, and she also has an annoying habit of throwing bricks through my living room window with notes taped to them that read, “I love you more than a coprophiliac loves shit,” or “I want you as badly as my sphincter wants softer bathroom tissue,” or “You may want to start closing your blinds when you masturbate,” and every Saturday night, she throws a 1.75-liter bottle of Cutty Sark through my bedroom window, and written on the bottle’s label with a black magic marker is something like “Stop following me, you creep!” so — although she’s a crack-smoking, smack-shooting, gun-toting, Libertarian-voting, tax-evading, vulva-shaving, clit-piercing, sphincter-lubricating Amish girl, who has a penchant for pestering a certain highly intelligent (and surprisingly attractive) writer, whose name will go unmentioned (because I’m a lot humbler than most people would have you believe) — at least she has a healthy sense of irony.

« Previous Page

Back to Top of Page

Next Page »

Home | LenKen Photo Essay | Part I: Quips & Squibs | Part II: Intermezzo: Bad Poetry for Bad People | Part III: Weird Stories for Weird People | Addendum: The Slapdash Mishmash: A Legacy | Appendage: Short Essays on Long Topics | Preamble: A Brief History of Me | Preface: Freedom of Speech versus Freedom from Speech | Prelude: Maturity versus Immaturity | Prologue: Strength versus Weakness | Prolusion: The Period: Dickens Redux | Quips & Squibs | Universal Rules of Etiquette | A Writer and His Hookers | The Sadistic News Network | Books That Cause a Tingling Sensation in My Left Testicle | Alternative Uses for a Brick | A Calm and Rational Analyis of Winter | Odium | Drivel, Blather, Prattle, and Twaddle | Bad Pick-Up Lines | Bilge, Dreck, Tripe, and Schlock for Schlemiels, Schlimazels, Schmucks, and Schmegegges | Arizona | Chickens | If You Make a Girl Snicker, She May Let You Lick Her | A Lesbian’s Lament | THC | Ode to the Paperboy | Sesquipedalian Love Song | Interview with a Petulant Old Shrew | Interview with a Persnickety, Pugnacious Pedant | A Freak Like Me | I Have Weird Dreams | A Long, Hard Look at Gun Control | Readings in the Cassandra Times | The Infamous Stickflipper | Keeping a Kennedy Tradition Alive | The Stalker | Lucy in the Sky with Dysentery | Beyond God & Devil | Pile of Nothing | How to Quit Smoking and Die Anyway | Epilogue: Quirky Colloquy: A Play in One Act | An Introduction to the Slapdash Mishmash | Poppycock? | Der Klusturfuk der Katzenjammer | The Cowardice of One’s Convictions: Cognitive Dissonance Theory in a Nutshell | Controlling Your Emotions before They Control You: Rational-Emotive Behavior Therapy in a Nutshell | Why We Should Be Dying to Live Rather than Living to Die | About the Author | Sign My Guestbook